


always

by Silllk



Category: A3! (Anime), A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentioned Nanao Taichi, Stabbing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27987975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silllk/pseuds/Silllk
Summary: What he was reaching for, he didn’t know.Perhaps…Perhaps Yuki was reaching for Muku Sakisaka. Like always.
Relationships: Rurikawa Yuki/Sakisaka Muku
Kudos: 21





	always

He was a Rurikawa. 

He was a Sakisaka. 

The sons of the greatest rivals. Of the families that would send assassin after assasin on the other. Of the families that everyone knew would kill to see the other perish. Of the families that were never supposed to be befriended.

So it was ironic, really, that the only sons of the families fell in love. 

'Like Romeo and Juliet,' Taichi would say, and Muku would laugh. Yuki would slap and mock him, but Yuki knew all too well that he was right.

Yuki sighed. It was about time he headed out. 

Yuki pushed himself off his bed, mentally thanking himself for getting dressed beforehand, and made his way over to his window.

It was lightly raining. Nothing his hooded cape couldn't keep him dry from.

Yuki was careful to not make too much noise as he slid down the rope tied to his balcony to the ground. If he was caught going to see Muku, who knew what his family would do to him.

Yuki shuddered slightly under the rain at the thought of each and every possibility. 'Such a hypocrite, I am.' 

Soon enough, he was on the ground. Yuki looked around before carefully running to the gate, where he opened it slowly, stepped out, closed it, and booked it to the meeting place of the night. Or, rather, every night: an open meadow deep enough inside the forest, not too far from the Rurikawa property, that no one would see them, but not deep enough for them to completely lose sight of their way back. A rusty railroad and an abandoned train wagon sat in the middle of it, decorated by the greenery that had attached itself to it.

It had been where the two met, and Yuki still remembers the day as if it were yesterday.

Before meeting him, he had only ever heard rumors and disgusting comments about Muku from his family. And although he had been expected to believe their depictions of the boy, Yuki had never been someone to judge a book by its cover.

It hadn't been much more than a year after his twelfth birthday that Yuki had met Muku. He sat on the top of the cart in the meadow. Yuki's spot. 

At first, Yuki had been filled with anger and yelled at him. The meadow was Yuki's peace of mind, an escape place from his family. And now, some pink-headed kid had found it and sat on the very spot that Yuki had bawled his eyes out countless times.

When Yuki had run out of breath, he noticed the boy's wide eyes. They were full of worry and shock. And, oddly enough, they calmed him down enough to properly apologize and calmly ask him how he had found the meadow.

The boy had jumped off, apologized, and told him that he had simply stumbled across it after following a dove. And it wouldn't have been believed by Yuki if he had not said his name, because someone with his name wouldn’t have gone into the forest if they knew whose backyard they were entering.

"I'm Muku Sakisaka. I’m so sorry! P-Please, forgive me!"

Muku Sakisaka. The name rang in Yuki's ears. 

A Sakisaka. He was a Sakisaka. Yuki was standing in front of a Sakisaka. 

Yuki remembers his head racing with thoughts as he turned and ran away as fast as he could. He was scared. Scared of being found with a Sakisaka. It had been an accidental meeting, but his parents were sure to have his head had they been found together.

He was scared. And, yet, he went back the next day. 

The warm summer night calmed him enough to not shake with fear every step he took. But his head was still swarming with thoughts. What if he was walking into a trap set up by that Sakisaka? Would he die? Every new scenario that entered his head only made it pound more.

On the cart sat Muku. He had his back facing Yuki, but that didn’t seem to make Yuki’s appearance any more subtle. “Oh, it's you.”

Yuki had gulped when Muku had turned. The pale blue eyes of the Sakisaka shone as bright as the stars in the night sky under the moon, and Yuki felt his breath hitch for a second. 

“Sorry,” Muku jumped down from the cart. “You probably want me to leave, right?”

Yuki nodded stiffly. 

Muku smiled. “Okay. Good night.”

Yuki had watched Muku walk away from him in shock and awe. He was just going to leave like that? He wasn’t going to apologize for the previous night?

‘No.’ Yuki shook his head. ‘Nevermind.’

Yuki had climbed on to the cart and laid down, looking up at the stars. They shined so bright. Like that boy’s eyes. ‘Perhaps I’ll talk to him if he comes back tomorrow.’

Yuki sat up and laughed. ‘Yeah, right. Me, a Rurikawa, speaking with a Sakisaka.’

The next night, Muku had been up on the cart again. Truthfully, Yuki hadn’t expected him to actually be there again.

Muku turned and jumped off. “Sorry, I’ll be going now.”

Yuki gulped. “...It’s fine.”

Muku had looked at him with wide eyes. “Huh?”

Yuki’s cheeks burned out of embarrassment. “I said it’s fine. I could… use the company anyways.”

“But,” Muku’s mouth was agape. “I’m a Sakisaka.”

Yuki narrowed his eyes at him slightly. “...And?”

“...You’re a Rurikawa.”

Yuki remembers how hard and fast his eyes had flown open. How had the Sakisaka boy known? “How-”

“I-I’m sorry! I watched you run in the direction of the Rurikawa property, so I just assumed you were a Rurikawa.”

Yuki stared at him. He knew he was a Sakisaka speaking with a Rurikawa, and yet he did nothing to try and harm him. Yuki pondered, ‘Could he… is he like me?’

“...Yuki.”

“Huh?”

“My name is Yuki. Yuki Rurikawa.”

The moon had illuminated Muku’s face perfectly, and Yuki was able to see just how baby faced the Sakisaka was. ‘He’s kind of cute.’

“I’m Muku Sakisaka,” Muku smiled. He stretched his hand out. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to be friends.”

Yuki was startled. “Friends? You’re crazy. A Sakisaka and Rurikawa can’t be friends.”

Yuki had watched Muku’s form shrink slightly. “A-Ah… You’re right. Being friends with someone as shriveled up as me would only bring you bad luck, not to mention that me being a Sakisaka is surely not someone anyone would ever think trustworthy or good enough for anything.”

‘What’s with this guy.’ Yuki had sighed. “It’s not that I don’t want to be friends, it’s just. My parents would kill me if they found out I befriended a Sakisaka. Wouldn’t yours?”

“A-Ah, you’re right.”

“Of course I am.”

They had stood in front of one another in silence. 

“Then… what if they didn’t find out?”

“Pardon?”

“I mean, if they had no way of finding out, would you consider at least talking with me?”

Yuki narrowed his eyes. “I suppose, but why are you so persistent?”

Muku had looked up at the moon with a smile, and the moon smiled back. “I just don’t want to live the rest of my life hating the ‘enemies’ of my family when I don’t even know what they’re really like.”

“...”

“Well, I guess I’m just trying to say that I don’t want to blindly hate people I don’t even know? I don’t want to be like my parents or sister in that sense.”

Yuki had instantly empathized. ‘He’s just like me,’ he had thought.

Yuki reached his hand out towards Muku. “I don’t want to be like my family either. Let’s be friends, shall we?’

The smile he had received from Muku and the warmth of his soft hands filled Yuki with hope. ‘Maybe I can step away from my family…’

Yuki remembers the rest of the following years filled with warmth and happiness. Yuki and Muku had become best friends in no time, and, about two years later, realized their mutual love for each other. 

The amount of times they had held each other on that old wagon just looking up at the stars and conversing with one another, or made each other flower crowns were too many to count on his hands.

And the times when he had cried in Muku’s arms he had felt so safe.

Or when they shared their first kiss underneath the blazing moonlight… Yuki always felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest.

Yes, during all that, Yuki was more than sure that he’d always love Muku Sakisaka.

Yuki sighed. Why was he thinking of the past now? It only made his heart throb even more with each step he took towards that old, rusty cart.

‘Just stop thinking, idiot. Do it while you can,’ Yuki swallowed. 

Soon, the cart came into view and, like always, Muku sat on top. Even though Yuki couldn’t see his face, he was sure Muku was smiling at the moon again.

And like their second meeting, Muku noticed him before Yuki could call out to him. “Yuki! You’re here.”

Yuki looked up at him from below. “...Yeah.”

Yuki took in everything about Muku in that moment. The way the moon seemed like a halo on him, and the way it illuminated everything about him. His hair, his eyes, his cheeks, his smile. Everything.

Yuki felt his frown grow. “Hey, come down here.”

Muku did just that, jumping just a few feet from Yuki. “Hup! There we go.”

As Muku got closer to Yuki, he noticed the frown on Yuki’s face. “What’s wrong, Yuki?”

Yuki felt his eyes burn and the crease on his brow tightened. “I’m just… I’m not feeling all that well today, I suppose.”

Muku frowned and cupped his face, giving him a quick peck on the lips. “Do you want to talk about it?”

‘His lips… they’re just as soft as ever.’

Yuki looked away. “...No.”

Muku removed his hands from Yuki’s face, and Yuki instantly felt his entire body go cold. Muku stretched his arms open. “Do you want a hug?”

Yuki looked down and nodded. He felt Muku wrap his arms around Yuki’s body and give it a small squeeze. Normally, Yuki would be warm. So warm. But now, Yuki was cold. Freezing. 

Yuki didn’t return the hug. His arms hung loosely to his side. His face was in the crook of Muku’s neck, and his hands were free.

The night sky was streaked with dark clouds, and Yuki knew that this was it. He had to do it, while the moon had her eyes closed.

Yuki moved his right hand to his pocket, and his left to Muku’s waist. He gripped Muku tightly enough to support himself, but not enough to hurt him. His right hand was moved to his lower stomach.

Yuki grit his teeth, and took a shaky breath.

And, before he knew it, he had plunged the blade tightly gripped in his hand into Muku. He thinks he might have twisted it, except he couldn’t quite process his actions.

He heard Muku gasp in pain, maybe shock too.

Yuki pulled the knife from Muku, and felt Muku’s arms loosen their hold on him as he fell to his knees, gripping his abdomen tightly. 

“Yu...ki?” Yuki looked down at Muku. His eyes shot wide open in horror. 

Muku was bleeding like a waterfall. His blood had painted the green around them in red. And no matter how hard he gripped the wound, the bleeding didn’t stop.

Yuki felt his breath stop. He couldn’t think straight. Rather, he couldn’t think at all.

Had he done this? How was the wound making him bleed that much?

...Had he really hurt Muku that deeply?

Yuki couldn’t talk as he watched Muku painfully gasp for pain. “Yuki… was this… what you wanted to do?”

Pain laced his words, and tears drowned his eyes. “Was this always how it was going to be?”

Yuki felt like passing out.

Even in the position he was in, the moonlight still managed to shine on Muku’s tears. And his eyes… his eyes were full of so much pain. And the smile of pain he wore made Yuki’s teeth grit harder.

From above, the moon’s face finally peeked from behind the clouds and frowned at Yuki.

No. She scowled at him.

Muku's eyes were like a dam. A dam that had been holding back raging waves of emotions. And Yuki felt like the crack that broke it. He had never seen Muku cry so much before. Especially with this much pain.

"Yuki, please, was this the sole reason you allowed us to get this close to one another?" Muku's attempts at keeping his sobs in were failing miserably. His body shook as he hugged his torso tighter. "Please, Yuki. I need to know."’

“...”

“...Yuki. I… I love you so much it hurts. Please… I need to know. Please.”

"..."

"Please. Was that… was that always the only reason?"

Yuki didn’t answer. But he knew that, despite pleading so desperately, Muku already knew the answer. 

Despite the moon being in full view, the dark clouds above them began to rain down on their bodies. 

“Please.”

"...Always."

And Yuki would have never known just how much a single word could break a person if he hadn't spoken. But he did. And he wishes he had been born mute.

Muku sobbed so loud that it hurt his ears, shook so hard and violently that Yuki thought his bones would snap, cried so much that he thought he'd drown himself before he bled to death.

Yuki even thought he heard his heart shatter into a million pieces.

Even though Muku hadn’t uttered a single afterword, Yuki was more than sure that he wanted to say, “I knew it.” And he knew it hurt the both of them.

The clouds had begun to cry harder with Muku. An immense downpour that made each droplet hurt upon impact fell from the sky. And it was loud. So loud. And yet, Muku's pain was still overpowering the storm of nature.

Yuki bit his tears back. The screams of pain were beating into his skull.

And he wanted to help. He wanted to hold Muku tightly in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay. He wanted to throw the knife, and find no wound or blood on Muku. He wanted to never hear Muku cry again.

But he couldn't. 

Yuki felt like he had used all his strength to just turn around and begin walking away. The more he heard the painful sobs of Muku, the more he felt like collapsing. 

And even when he walked out of the meadow, out of the forest, or tried to swallow the lump in his throat that always came back after he swallowed, he could still hear Muku's entire being shatter inside his head. Yuki thought he would hear it forever.

And he did.

When he told his family, clothes splattered with blood, that he had killed Muku Sakisaka, when they cheered, when the Sakisaka family mourned for months, when Muku's birthday came around, when he cried his eyes dry. He could hear it. Everywhere he went, anything he did, he couldn't stop it.

Every passing day, hour, and minute, Yuki wished he had never answered Muku’s question with that word. It wasn’t true. He hadn’t befriended or let him and Muku get close just to kill him at all. 

Because the truth was that he had loved him. Yuki had truly loved Muku. 

So why. Why did he say that?

Yuki wanted to tell him that he meant to say, “No, I’ve always loved you. I never wanted to do this.”

...But he would never know if that was what he truly wanted to say, because Yuki’s only memories of that day were the horrible screams of pain, and the one word that had destroyed them both.

It had been over two days since Yuki last slept. Muku’s birthday was in less than two hours, and the record player of his anguish seemed to be playing extra loud with no breaks between loops to celebrate the occasion.

'Could it be,' Yuki wandered out onto his balcony. The sky was dark, and the stars frowned down at him. The dark bags under his eyes were heavy, and so was his body. Still, he forced himself onto the ledge of the balcony, where he held onto the pole next to him to keep his balance. He looked up. ‘Could it be that you’re calling me?’

Yuki stretched a hand out. ‘Have you forgiven me? Or do you loathe me? Is that why you won’t let me forget you? Oh, Muku, please answer.’

What he was reaching for, he didn’t know. 

Yuki’s eyes widened. The sky was still depressed, but a shining star brightly looked down at him. His angel, or his saviour? He didn’t know. But it gave him his answer.

His lips parted, chapped and dry from being closed every passing hour. His voice was hoarse, and his throat hurt. “Oh… I see.”

Perhaps…

Yuki pushed himself from the pole, standing freely on the edge of the balcony. The wind grazed his cheek, and it would have been reassuring had nature not been angry at him. He took a shaky breath. The pounding headache was disappearing, and the screams of agony from that day were becoming hazy and quiet. Yes, Yuki found the answer that would set him free.

He smiled, and turned his back to the world. Yuki’s eyes saw his room for the last time in a quick glance before looking at the night sky once more. The wind was punching his back, and the moon seemed to be smiling down at him like a jester.

But that was okay. 

Yuki closed his eyes, and knew that he’d be free as soon as the ground put him to sleep.

Perhaps Yuki was reaching for Muku Sakisaka. Like always.

**Author's Note:**

> this kind of hurt to make, but hurting your cc's and yourself is what angst is all about, bay-bee


End file.
